Finnish dog buyer test (not really serious)

If you intend to buy a dog, first try an imaginary dog. It is a much cheaper and easier way to find out if you are really a dog-human. If you realize at this stage that a dog is not the pet for you, you can move on to the next species. But you can also tell everyone that you are allergic and avoid further enquiries.

It is important to choose the time for the experiment carefully. Preferably you should choose autumn when hopefully it is dark, rainy, cold and windy. Avoid, as far as possible, brightly lit streets and squares and walk on sandy paths, muddy fields and dense forests instead. For the test you will need a large stone, a cassette recorder and your neighbor's children as assistants.

Take a strong rope (= lead), tie it around the heavy stone (= dog) and pull it behind you. Stop at each mailbox for at least three minutes and try to look as if you were not trying to steal your neighbour's newspaper. Prohibit your "dog" from lifting his leg and swear loudly if he does it anyway. Look afterwards as if the whole thing had nothing to do with you.

When you go for a walk, pack your bags full of plastic bags and collect your dog's piles in them (there's plenty of dog excrement in the streets, use it). Then try to find a trash can to hide your treasure.

Leave the stone off the leash. Perform various acrobatic tricks to get your dog's attention. If the dog runs away despite your show, run through the forest calling his name. Ask the audience if anyone has seen your little runaway Fifi. Fall and hurt your ankle. Go home cursing your dog. Your dog is already waiting for you in front of the front door.

Before you go to work, slit your sofa with the bread knife, pull out the trash can under the sink and spread its contents on the kitchen floor, cut your slippers into pieces and throw all the plants from the windowsill in the living room (of course you can ask a friend to do this for you). All this will help you get into the right mood when you return home from work. Afterwards you buy a sack full of bones, squeaking toys and an educational guide to make sure this doesn't happen again.

Ask your neighborhood kids to run through your house with muddy boots, push their faces to the windows and throw things to the floor. Clean up the mess.

Pull the stone over your floor and have the parquet renewed.

Take the stone into your bedroom in the evening and place it right in the middle of your bed. Stuff your blanket under the stone and throw your pillow on the floor. Now try to sleep in the free part of the bed without disturbing your puppy.

Take your bathrobe and sneak out quietly into the pouring rain to let your dog pee. Forget the keys.

Use the timer on your cassette recorder to make your dog bark at about half past three (remember to keep the volume at a sufficient level). Search your house for burglars. Then try to calm the cassette recorder by giving it a bone or forbidding it to bark. The next morning, tell your neighbours that you haven't heard anything all night.

Buy bags of different kinds of dog food, which your dog then refuses. Cook his liver in cream while warming up last week's soup.

In the evening, wash your dog and blow dry his coat. Get up at four o'clock and brush the coat again. Pack up your belongings, stow them in your car with your dog and drive 300 km to a dog show or other dog activity. Stand next to the ring for hours and wait for your performance, which is then somehow screwed up by your dog. Scold judges and competitors and drive home annoyed. Don't forget to tell your dog how good he is.

Pay your neighbour's dog tax and cleaning bill. Pull the cloth from the back seat of your car, chew on the steering wheel and loosen the gear knob.

Ask the homeowner to insult you and threaten your dog with a shotgun. Ask the neighbor's wife to insult you daily because her children have stepped into YOUR dog poop.

If after all this you are still sure you want a dog, find a suitable breed and be welcome in our cheerful group.

Author: Unknown